Advice for the family and friends of a returning expat

 A few weeks ago I posted some advice for expats who are either returning home for their summer holiday or returning home permanently.  Living overseas for over 6 years has taught me a lot about how to deal with reverse culture-shock and with family and friends back home.  If I may be so bold, I also want to give some tips for the families and friends of these individuals.  Seeing the way people back home interact with me has taught me a lot of what I really appreciate about people when I go back home. 

1.  Ask a ton of questions.  The initial temptation is to just pick up from where you left off as soon as you see them.  You might ask how their flight home was or how the year was, but you are eager to get back to normal.  However, while things may have been business as usual in your area, their life has probably been turned upside down.  Like riding a tidal wave, your loved one went through the thrill, terror and adjustment of adapting to a new country.  No, you probably don't really know what their experience is like, which is why you need to ask.  You may not get a full picture of their life, but I'm sure that he or she will completely appreciate and love that you are making an effort.  And this will also benefit your relationship, because you will understand a different part of his life.  Ask about what it was like the first couple weeks, ask who he made friends with, where did they travel to, what pictures can she show you, what was the church or local religion like, how has his or her perspective changed on that country or his home country, etc.  I'm sure your expat will be able to provide you with a variety of answers.

2.  Share your life.  Yes, it may seem like your life has not changed very much with the passing of a year or two, but he or she is probably excited and interested to hear all about them.  They want to feel integrated, and it can be a bit disconcerting trying to live life in two different worlds, so try to catch him or her up on everything that has been going on.  Even the little things like funny stories, interesting news, aspects of life that have been hard while he has

been gone, and introducing him to friends you have made are all important to your loved one who is spending some time back home.  This requires a level of intimacy, and this can become increasingly difficult as the years go on, which is why it is critically important to make those efforts to your friend or family member who has been gone a while.  He or she loves you just as much, if not more, even though he has been away for a while, so make sure you communicate that back by sharing your life.

3.  Make the first move.  Remember, your son/daughter/mom/best friend has been away for a long time, so it may be difficult to make the first move.  I often feel a little guilty just calling up old friends after I haven't talked to them in nine or ten months, because I feel like I did a lousy job keeping up with the people back home.  Because of this, you need to make that extra effort to keep your favorite returned foreigner feel like he or she is still loved, appreciated and thought about.  One of my good friends sent me an email a week or two before I returned home and asked me when I was returning.  After replying they said that they wanted to get together a few days after I returned home.  I totally appreciated this because I felt invited back into their lives and am clearly apart of his thoughts.  Your expat on vacation will also feel this love and appreciation. Because locations, businesses, and other information may have changed in the length of time he or she has been gone, in addition to the expat not necessarily having a "home" base, you are now the expert.

4.  Open up your home.  Yes, this seems like a lot.  For myself and many other expats at home, we live usually with our families.  By God's grace, both my parents and my in-laws have a spare bedroom that we can use freely, which is great.  However, not everyone has that luxury.  Some people have strained relationships with their families back home or maybe there is simply not enough room in the house for any more people.  Even for those who are comfortably living back home with their families, it is nice to occasionally change up the location, because it may give a little more privacy than being with family all the time.  Also, if you live in a different area than the expat's family, it would allow them a chance to travel to visit you and see a different location.  I've always appreciated the offers from my friends to stay at their place, even if I don't usually take them up on it.  

5.  Be available.  This is another difficult one.  While you or your family may be working or have a lot of plans in the summer, it is important to try to be available to spend time with people who are visiting.  They may only have a month or two, they have traveled a long way to get there, and it goes by really quickly.  This can often take a little bit of forward thinking, to find out when he or she will be  in your area, and make a plan to get together even if it's for a day or two a month later.  This can also be extended to vacations.  If you are planning a vacation with some friends and family, it would probably be nice to invite him or her to go with you.  I have some really good friends back home that are actually pretty busy in the summertime, but they are usually the first people to try to plan a weekend or a couple days together.  They have wisdom in booking something in advance with us because they know their summer will quickly fill up if they don't try to plan something with us, and I am grateful for them.  If you can, try to be available even during the week, because the weekdays can seem extra long when one spends them by herself. You can do something as simple as having your returned friend or family member pick up a pizza on their way to your house or meet for coffee.

I hope these hints will be helpful for you and the expat you get to spend time with this summer- or at any time of the year. Good relationships don't just happen, but we have to be intentional to cultivate them.